This is my reimagined version of the bright, dramatic, edge-of-your-seat sequel to The Iliad: The Odyssey! As you may know, a new movie has come out starring Tom Holland, Anne Hathaway, Zendaya, Aldrich Wang, and many more. But that intense, action-packed R-rated movie is going to be very different from my version. So, can I get some music?

Odysseus. In my version, his nickname will be Odie, like from Garfield. Anyway, Odie is just an ordinary guy who refuses to waste money on unnecessary subscriptions. For example, there is that one streaming platform he never even uses. Then he checks his monthly charges and finds it: Apple TV. Now, Odie doesn’t even remember a single detail about purchasing that premium-ultradeluxe-exclusive-gold-plus-ad-free membership. After all, he uses Netflix. The Trojan War was basically his ten-year part-time shift at the local McDonald’s drive-thru, which he absolutely despised.

For Odie to successfully remove Apple TV from his monthly bill, he needs to face the Cyclops. Mhm. So. The Cyclops is an annoying AI chatbot on the help website. It has one big eye on the screen and does not understand English. Or Spanish. Or Chinese. Or Russian. Or even sign language. It keeps trapping Odie in a loop. Odie finally escapes by typing “Nobody” as his username. The chatbot glitches out and tells its boss that “Nobody is trying to cancel the monthly subscription.” And the whole thing restarts again.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Penelope is trapped in her own battle: The SUITORS. If you do not know, Penelope is Odie’s wife, which means she gets the wonderful honor of handling the chaos while he argues with a one-eyed customer service robot. In my version, the Suitors are hundreds of relentless spam emails flooding the shared family inbox. They demand attention, offer fake rewards, and refuse to leave, like they pay rent there. Every subject line is dramatic: “URGENT!!! YOU WON A FREE VACATION!!!” or “BUY ONE BAG OF DORITOS, GET THE SECOND BAG 50% OFF!” except somehow the “deal” still costs more than buying two normal bags. Penelope keeps them under control with the ancient survival tactic of clicking “Mark as Unread,” promising she will deal with them later, which is exactly what people say before ignoring something forever. 

Next up, Odie has to deal with Scylla and Charybdis, which are basically the two worst options ever: customer service hold music and a “cancel anytime” button that is somehow nowhere to be found. Scylla is a six-headed pop-up that keeps going, “Are you sure?” “Are you really sure?” “What if we give you 3 months free?” Like dude, let me leave. Then Charybdis is that spinning loading circle that shows up right when Odie thinks he’s finally done. If he clicks too fast, Scylla throws another deal at him. If he waits too long, Charybdis eats the whole page and sends him back to the login screen. So yeah, not exactly a sea monster battle. More like fighting a website that was designed by someone who hates happiness.

Odie finally breaks into the Apple TV account and hits “Delete Everything,” hoping to erase the spam, the charge, and every trace of this digital nightmare for good. He sits back, breathes a sigh of relief, and looks at his phone. He just got a text from his bank saying his card was still charged $14.99 because he missed the midnight deadline by exactly one minute. So, being the Karen he is, he demands a refund, and everything is fine.